Personal: And I still can’t see her

by | Jun 1, 2020 | Opinion, Personal, Thoughts | 2 comments

When you see these pandemics going on in the world, whether it’s Covid-19 or it’s the riots and looting going on across the nation, you never really think, oh, will this ever affect me? Sure, I support those peaceful protesting against officer brutality, and yes, even wanting to vote the President out of office.  But you never really expect that it’s going to hit you. 

Friday night I watched people destroy one of my favorite places in Atlanta, the CNN building. I watched people this week destroy Nashville, a place I love. I know of people who have had family members get the coronavirus. 

But yesterday, on Sunday, it all finally affected me. 

My Mom was rushed to the Emergency Room and I knew what was going on – her kidneys. I knew it. I’d seen the signs but she was just ignoring what I said. 

Then I found out I couldn’t go into the ER with her. I couldn’t go into the waiting room. I had to stand outside in the 80+ degree heat. I had a bald-headed white security guard be so rude to me because I was upset and crying that I even asked if I tried to go in, would he hold a knee to my throat? The rent-a-cop gave me a look that could have melted ice. 

I ended up having a panic attack, finally going into the ER to be treated myself. I still didn’t get to see her. 

I found out she was having kidney and heart failure and needed dialysis. 

I still didn’t get to see her. 

I finally get released, go home, and take her back her kindle, iPad, some snacks and I didn’t get to see her. I left it with someone at the front desk. 

I talked to her last night before going to sleep and she was very out of breath. The fluid was building up in her lungs. Those that know me, know my Mom and I don’t really have a really lovey dovey relationship even though we are extremely close. For some reason she said she loved me so I told it to her back. 

This morning I woke up and called her cell phone and she didn’t answer. I called her room and she didn’t answer. 

So I called her nurse who said that he was about to go give her the morning meds, but that she was asleep earlier. He went in to try and wake her up and she wouldn’t wake up. Her oxygen levels were dropping and they rushed her to CCU. I was working from home when they told me and I immediately got dressed and went to the hospital.

And I still didn’t get to see her. 

They wouldn’t let me in. 

I found out they were putting her on a ventilator.

I still couldn’t go in. 

At all. 

I couldn’t go in and see my Mama when she was on a machine breathing for her. I couldn’t go in to see the only real family I have because our President didn’t listen to the specialist and scientists when he first found out about this coronavirus. It was a hoax. It was going to just disappear, magically. Some may think I’m wrong by thinking that way, but it’s how I think. Don’t come at me with political crap. I just need someone to blame. Or else I may lose it. 

I know other people are going through this. I know some who have, but there’s always that thought that it’ll never happen to you. 

Well, it can. 

I can’t go see my Mama because of this pandemic. I can’t be there with her while she’s fighting for her life because of this pandemic. Because of our fucking president. 

So tonight I’m sitting here typing this, crying, while my Mom is in CCU alone, on a breathing machine and probably done with dialysis by now. I have to talk to strangers to find out anything about her condition. I can’t even see the people I’m trusting with her life in person. 

This is by far the worst thing I have ever been through. I thought some of the other things I’ve been through in my life was the worst, but this outweighs any of it. My best friends are hours away. The family I do like is in South Georgia, and I don’t even know if I want anybody to be with me. What would it do? We can’t go to the hospital. Are we going to sit at my apartment? I’m still going to be paranoid that something is going to happen to her and I’ll never see her again. 

21 years ago in May, my aunt left in an ambulance and I never got to see her again.  24 years ago in May, my grandmother died and I found her and it ruined my life. It ruined me for life. I am the way I am because of that one event. What if I never get to see my Mama again?

Everybody is going on and on about everything going on in the world and all I want to do is see my Mom. 


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