I turn 40 years old today – July 12 – and there’s something different about this year.
We found out less than two weeks ago that she had a tumor in her lungs. It’s why she had lost eight and not eating as well. It’s why she kept coughing, which I thought for weeks was just furballs from her obsessive grooming habits. I originally had the procedure set for Friday, July 3, but since she started eating better, the vet said to wait and see how she did over the weekend.
Over the weekend she kept eating, but her breathing got worse. She was sick and I could tell. Monday morning was even worse, so I called the vet and made an appointment or after lunch. I logged off work early to spend a little time with her laying on my bed and a few hours later, she was gone.
It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. I can still see her eyes open after they injected her. I’d never experienced anything like that before. To say I’m taking it hard is an understatement. I’m not handling it well at all.
I got Phoebe in August of 2004. She was born July 12, 2004 in Valdosta, Ga. I was about to start my second full semester of college back after starting all over again that January. I had always wanted a white cat. I don’t know why, but I did. And she was mine. She didn’t like many people besides me. She always hid when others came around. She wasn’t even fond of my mother.
I was just coming out of the depression when I got Phoebe, so she kind of became like a security blanket for me. She calmed me down. She loves Taylor Swift. She stole two of my blankets and one went with her to heaven. As soon as I would say Taylor, her ears would perk up. I also think she had a soft spot for Howie.
I don’t have that anymore and I’ve delt with some drama this week that broke me down because I didn’t know Phoebe here to calm me. I really lost it Friday when I received an email from a pet store telling Phoebe happy birthday. I completely, utterly lost it. I was close to having the kind of panic attack that I had to go to the ER for.
Last year I didn’t celebrate our birthday together and I will always regret that. I celebrated with her on the 10th before I flew to DC to see the Backstreet Boys.
The one thing holding me together right now are the Backstreet Boys. Like always, they are the thing that keeps me going. And yeah, the fandom has been full of drama lately, but when you sit back and think about it, all that matters is the people there for you and anything that calms you down.
Thankfully during the horrible panic attack Friday, I was in the middle of hosting a DNA World Tour watch party on the fan club’s Facebook group with Emilia. Watching them sing Breathe calmed me. They always calm me.
It’s kind of crazy that at 40 years old now, a boy band is what can calm me down. That just goes to show what magic their voices really are. All I really needed today was a birthday wish from Nick and as always he comes through.
Besides almost losing my Mom and finding my grandmother dead, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through, on top of turning 40 and dealing with this COVID-19 crap, it’s draining and I’m trying my best to hold on. So if posts on here are scarce for the next little bit, that’s why. I’m going to try my best and usually when I’m depressed, I do my best writing. So hey, maybe I can finish “Let It Be Me.”
Thank you to everybody who wished me a happy birthday. I really appreciate it. <3